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[Dec. 22nd, 2009|08:30 pm] |
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My family got a puppy.. FUCK MY LIFE. This was the last thing this house hold needs. He's real damn cute but no one know how to take care of him. Other unneed stress. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|07:04 pm] |
i turned twenty one. it was a fun week, this was. it started out strong and chilled with danielle who gave me a big o bag of birthday things and it was very nice of her setting me up for the week. jimmy came a got mes and we drove back to bc kzoo area. chill with people and partied. i met a girl that liked me. its nice to know someone can still like me. it seems likes its been awhile. i went out for drinks with friends. and took pictures!!
so i stopped by my fathers house that was quarantined with swine flu. i was there for like 20mins and then my mother wouldnt let me come home. so i was stuck to go to my fathers. doomed to swine. i was sick for 10 days and have missed three days of school. fml.
for the pass few weeks ive had this horrid anxiety. im 21 and have no control of my life. i feel so uncomfortable. i have no appetite. things are weird. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|02:41 am] |
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i had a truly amazing dream the other night. it seemed to be midday. i was on the top floor of a large building. maybe a penthouse. the room was beautiful from what i remembered. wood interior with bright green floral. glass windows all around. i was with a group of people i seemed to know but looking back i cant remember there faces. we walked out and the sky was filled with the moon that looked to have the sun behind it for light was coming off the horizon. not like and eclipse tho. and on that crescent was streams of water spewing into space. giant ice burgs were floating towards the earth. they took up the other half of the sky and were completely translucent. the ice shined with the same light as the moon. it was so beautiful. the sky was almost yellow with a hint of red. i awoke so happy of the vision i dreamed up. i can only hope to have another just like it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|02:47 am] |
sleep doesnt come easy anymore. i just end up staring at my dark walls. with the days echoing in my head. ive thought of the people ive effected over the years. where they are, how they could be with out me in there lives. ive loved and been loved and hated and forgotten. think of this world i have been made to deal with, and how people reject it for loose delusions. i dont blame them for trying to warm up this cold home. ive looked inward for meaning. ive learned of choice and despair. ive listened to true alienation. the ideas of a truly free madman. social existentialism. is what i turn to. pointless. i could love, like youve always wanted. i could be here and there. i could deal and deal and not deal. and choose and choice and not not choose. im not as lost but im still lost. i read i listen to music i dont write and i paint. i create to fulfill this empty shell. i am a man. i am not apart of mankind. there is no God. there is no god. there is no god. so there is no meaning. except what i deem to be important. the grass wont be green the trees wont have leaves and winter will break all are souls. the cold is what makes us smart. it forces us to work for whats truth. birds fly, fish swim, i think. theres truth in that. what makes you happy. what is happiness. happiness is the realization of potential. are you finding what you are looking for?? i know i will.
god is dead,,, and we have killed him. so spoke nietzsche. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|10:31 am] |
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Labor day weekend spent with danielle. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|06:21 pm] |
Well, I'm back living in livonia. I feel trapped by this. This whole town is meant for consumers. If you want to do anything you need money, which I don't have. There's no place to go to meet people which is upsetting. I've hung out with a few people tho. Saw pamela and applied for a job and school with her. Chilled with lindsay and smoked. I tried talking to justin, but he won't have any of that. I really don't understand what makes him treat an old friend like that. I'm done trying tho. I put effort forth and all I get is shit back.
Anyways I may be chillin in Farmington tonight. Get to see danielle one last time before she leave to work on an organic farm in Alabama. I'll miss her, she was a good friend.
It's weird not having will around.
And I miss eastown. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|12:18 am] |
Things change far to fast in a city like grand rapids. It's uncomfortable. I feel lacking in so many way, and me being high makes it very clear. I'm distant, I feel almost lost. Everything feels like I've bin there done that. I have an urge to do something completely new or grow up. I really don't want to go back to Livonia. I'll feel like I'm regressing in stead of moving forward. Old things arnt fun any more, and I don't know what's going to come next. Life loses it's appeal
Well michael has been dead for almost two days now. And I already miss him.
I thought I'd feel free when I got off probation, but I've never felt so tied down. Almost sluggish.
I catered a wedding tonight. I saw a boy sitting alone staring at nothing drinking a beer. He looked lost in thought. And I realized that when she gets married I'm going to be that boy thinking and regretting my life.
REGRET, is my word. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2009|08:27 pm] |
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Scratch that last post. I feel as tho I have a knife in me and it's been to weird of a day. I'm going to miss him. So much. I'm scared to see him. I don't know how to deal with this. I love him. I dreamed about him last night and woke up crying. I love my grandpa. Ilovehim. Help me deal. |
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